A few weeks ago, I shared my story on in a private group that I am a part of. It’s something that has been “eating”away at me (pun intended) and I wanted to share my story again. I know the last few months, I have been all business, but I want to get really personal with you today.
I want to share ALL of my story. My business struggles and successes- and my personal ones too. Because it’s all related. How we do one thing is how we do everything, right?
I’m not just a coach, an entrepreneur and a business owner. I am a woman, a mom and I am HUMAN. And it’s about time I love on all of it… the good, the bad and the ugly.
Confession #1: Even though it may “seem” like I’m everywhere. I’ve been hiding and playing small. Not satisfied with the way that I look. Not happy with the exterior. My business is booming, I’m financially thriving, but I’ve let myself and my health take a back seat to everything else.
In the summer of 2013, after my marriage unraveled, I was actually feeling on top of the world. I felt like I had finally released a huge weight that was on my shoulders for the last 6 years. I was FREE. I was finally ready to live my life for ME. I was looking amazing after losing a bunch of weight and I was down right sexy (not gonna lie.)
I always thought that if I just “looked” perfect, that I could get anything I wanted in life. I mean, why not? I have seen woman after woman on tv and even some in real life that were able to use their looks and sexuality to get whatever they wanted. And even though I was looking great and feeling free, it still wasn’t enough. I wanted perfection.
CONFESSION #2: I went extreme and got laser lipo to reduce the pouch in my belly that I just couldn’t shake off.
Shortly after, I started dating again, but got into another toxic relationship. Truth is, I probably should have been alone for some time. I had a lot of my own shit to deal with and I never did. I pushed it down, I covered it up and thought I would just overcome it and thrive.
Over the next six months, my life imploded. Everything around me came crumbling down. I had lost my soul mate, I was in another bad relationship, I was struggling financially and in my business- and I felt like the worst mother. I became violent and mean. To say I was stressed and depressed isn’t enough to describe the inner pain I was dealing with.
With all of this mess going on in my life, I packed on weight in almost an instant. In six months, I had gained over 40 pounds! I began to despise myself, not only was my life a mess, but now so was my body. I had a lot of guilt and regret that I was holding onto.
The only logical thing for me to do was to try to make at least one thing in my life right. That’s when I threw myself into my business. Doing anything and everything I could. Working day and night, sitting on my couch- working on the computer for hours and hours at a time.
I remember coming home from work and stopping at the store to get a Pepsi and Milk Duds for the night. Every night. I figured that if I couldn’t get a man to love me properly, sugar could comfort me. I can’t lie. It made me feel good. Especially after a fight with my man, the pressure and stress was instantly released the moment I put the first ball of caramel goodness in my mouth.
Over the next few months, I continued to work my ass off. And struggle. Oh how I struggled in not only my business and relationships, but also in loving myself. I put myself dead last. Still seeking something to hide behind. My dreams of being a sexy model type had been smashed, so I figured why not be the successful entrepreneur type. I kept looking outside of myself. I was ready to be anyone other than ME.
About a year after I had initially started gaining the weight, I made some major life changes. Totally changing my relationship dynamics, moving back in with my parents and getting really serious in my business.
My life became drastically better and less stressed but the weight was still hanging with me. I started to actually gain traction in my business and continued to put myself and my health last.
For me, it paid off. My business is booming, I’m busy with clients and I’m making plenty of money. I have no worries about my relationships, debt or my life. But I still look the same. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate myself. I’m just not satisfied with the way I look. I really want my outside to match my inside. And I’m ready to make a major shift and working towards total alignment in all areas of my life.
The weight gain was a result of things in my personal life, combined with the sedentary lifestyle of being an online entrepreneur and the financial stresses of building my own business. I put so much into my business, my work and my clients. And I am finally ready to give myself just as much as I have given to others.
If you’re ready to take charge with me and stop hiding because of imperfections, if you’re ready to make this journey of putting myself first with me, comment below and let me know. I didn’t build my business alone. And this is something I don’t intend to do alone either. I know I’m not the only one who’s struggling with this, so let’s do it together.
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Look at me now!